Sometime last year, I wrote a piece suggesting some new events for the
1) Indoor Mumbling. Skills will include tongue twisting, denture adhesion and controlled drooling. Medals will be awarded according to degree of comprehension difficulty.
2) Downhill HoveRound relay. Teams will be divided by gender and severity of digital arthritis. Skills include middle-of-the-road U-turning and crosswalk stalling. Points will be awarded for number of oncoming cars caused to collide. Pit crews will be available for emergency battery recharge and toggle replacement.
3) Cross Country Depends Dash. Finish line will be located in the handicap-accessible stall at the newly designed restroom complex. Silver and bronze medalists will gain entry to adjoining stalls. Non-medal winners will form a line outside the building.
4) Pole vault (sponsored by Viagra). Speed and endurance of erection will be measured in tenths of a second. Medals will be awarded to the first three contestants whose pole enters the vault. At this time, the Italian team is favored to come first, although the Ethiopians may be a dark horse in this race. This is considered the most dangerous event in the Games.
5) Senile scramble. Teams of five engage in a modified version of “telephone”. Team leaders are given a phrase to shout into the ear of the next in line who repeats it to the next person, etc. Winner is determined by the most distorted version of the original phrase. Points are deducted for each "Hah?” overheard by judges.
6) Menopause Medley. (Pairs) Heats are comprised of breast stroke rejection, forced dismount, rapid mood swing, synchronized night sweats and freestyle farting. Last partner to burst into tears wins.
7) Fallen and can’t get off the floor exercise. Medals awarded for grace and agility in activation of LifeAlert pendant. Bonus points for multiple hip fractures.
8) 500 meter grump-off. Elements include cane-brandishing, ball and Frisbee hoarding and decibel level reached when shouting, “Get off my lawn!” while stomping on the front porch.
Suggestions for other events are both encouraged and solicited.